Grow With Soul: Episode 143 - Fear Of Regret Vs Fear Of Failure
In the last Q&A episode I said something like ‘rather than failure, I’d be more worried about regret’. Quite often, I don’t know I think something until the words are coming out of my mouth, and that is a particular statement that has stayed with me since it tumbled out. I’ve been thinking a lot about using fear of regret as a tool, trickling it into my thinking and planning and prioritising, and today I thought we’d have a deep dive into this - the pros, the cons and whether it actually works.
What I talk about in this episode:
How cultivating a fear of regret lead me to bother more
Reconnecting with what’s important to you
How a fear of regret can alleviate discomfort
The danger of over-correcting a fear of regret
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Read the episode transcript:
In the last Q&A episode I said something like ‘rather than failure, I’d be more worried about regret’. Quite often, I don’t know I think something until the words are coming out of my mouth, and that is a particular statement that has stayed with me since it tumbled out. I’ve been thinking a lot about using fear of regret as a tool, trickling it into my thinking and planning and prioritising, and today I thought we’d have a deep dive into this - the pros, the cons and whether it actually works.
But what am I actually talking about here? The idea was that, rather than fearing that something would fail, it was fearing the regret of never having tried. To use that potential regret as a galvanising force to do the thing, in whatever imperfect form, rather than sit in the paralysis of fear of failure.
To be very honest, I wouldn’t say that fear of failure is something I really experience (although who knows - usually when I say a statement like that it eventually turns out that I feel it so much it is disguised as some sort of integral personality trait). However, right now in my current consciousness, I don’t fear failure. I worry about things not selling as I’d hoped, but more from the point of view as then I need to work out some other options - it is not a worry that stops me from launching or doing anything. In some ways, I welcome the prospect of failure - it’s always a good story, a good time to learn and redirect, a good thing to talk about.
So why did this concept of “fear of regret” so appeal to me? Because my Achilles heel is a resistance to hard work. Which feels weird to say, because we exist in a culture where being “a hard worker” is a compliment, and therefore admitting to not being one is admitting to a great personality flaw. But there it is. I like to plan, I like to think, I like to have ideas - I do not like to implement any of these things. I often find the process of getting the thing that is so clear in my head out onto the screen in front of me incredibly boring, because it’s done in my head and the whole “making it exist” thing feels like a waste of time. But anyway, that was a tangent. The point is, I often feel like I can’t be bothered, and often that means that I don’t bother. Cultivating a fear of regret, however, gave me a reason to bother. I don’t want to wish that I had written that book, I don’t want to realise in hindsight that I could have tried a little harder, I don’t want to look back at all the things I could have done and so, that makes me do the things.
I think there are lots of reasons why it works. If you’re replacing a fear of failure with a fear of regret, then you’re replacing like with like - you’re not trying to force your way towards unwavering self-belief in time to meet your deadline, you’re just shifting sideways. The feelings are some of the same, but they are orientated towards making you do the thing you want to rather than not starting. Of course, this isn’t a strategy for long term personal growth, but it might be the thing that gets you over a road block.
It focuses you on what’s important. It’s easy, when you’re working on a project or contemplating a life change, to open up your mind to every single possible factor and outcome, which you can get carried away with and end up not taking action; because you’re afraid your blog isn’t going to make you a million, or your not going to top the bestseller list, or your mum’s friend’s sister might think it’s odd. We get to a place where we fixate on these results or standards without ever noticing we got there. Re-orientating to fear of regret reconnects you with what was important to you - you remember you didn’t actually want to write a bestseller and be on Oprah, you just didn’t want to go another decade without writing it down.
It also alleviates present discomfort. It’s uncomfortable, working on something, changing something, doing something a little different. It’s easy to give in to fear of failure (or in my case, the “can’t be bothered” energy) because that means you can get out of the discomfort. You don’t have to wrestle the thing out of you, you don’t have to worry and overthink, you don’t have to sit and do the work if you decide to give up and go for a walk or stare at your phone instead. But because fear of regret is focused on those things you actually want, the discomfort of doing isn’t as bad as that discomfort of not doing.
Since that episode where I first said the thing and started living (somewhat) in fear of regret, a lot of good things have happened. I booked a three week trip and went on it. I accepted more invitations with friends. I wrote a book proposal and submitted it. I sent a text message. I settled into defining my work and myself by what I actually wanted. I feel happier. I feel more like I’m living life on my own terms. I’m not suggesting that any of this is singularly down to being more worried about regretting not doing these things but, it is a part. I got to a point of, why wait? This is what you want, don’t regret the months where you’re not letting yourself have it.
When I first decided to do an episode on fear of regret, I thought it was going to go all in on this being IT, the key, the thing that was going to make all the difference with no downsides. But, of course, there is more nuance than that.
You can over correct into fear of regret in a way that’s not healthy. You can be so worried about regretting not doing something that you descend into overwork and burnout, not allowing yourself to stop, rest, enjoy your life until all potential for regret has been stamped out. This can also begin to create a habit of self-punishment or guilt for any moment you're not working towards that thing that you want to not regret. Perhaps a re-balancing here is to include among your regrets “not living” - to maintain that you don’t want to look back and wish you had turned your face to the sun more, been gentler, rushed less, and enjoyed the minutes.
There is another over-correction too, into a kind of YOLO irresponsibility. This is what my experience has been - prioritisting not regretting something over actually having the resources to do it. Particularly in Lisbon I got into a mindset of “I don’t want to regret not doing everything I wanted and I’ll just deal with the financial consequences” and that is something that seems to be lingering a little bit. Wanting to fill up my life and take opportunities and have no regrets about things not done comes with quite a price tag.
Taken too far, fear of regret can be the same as fear of failure. In many ways, they can be two sides of the same coin. During my last few days in Lisbon, my friend laughed with me that the most stressful, troubling thing that I’d experienced was choosing where to eat. It’s true, the closest I ever got to a meltdown was about restaurant selection. I didn’t want to go anywhere touristy and bad quality, but how did I know if somewhere was touristy, and what if somewhere looked touristy and actually wasn’t, or what if it didn’t look touristy but actually was?! I didn’t want to wish I hadn’t had a particular meal, didn’t want to regret choosing a place, didn’t want to disappoint myself. But really, this was a fear of failing to choose a good place dressed up as fear of regret.
As always, there is no key. My desire for this to be the thing that fixes all the problems is a desire we all have for there to be one thing we can do or change and then our life is exactly how we want it. There are multitudes to this concept, and it alone can’t solve anything. As with everything, it is a tool that, when used with careful intention and consciousness, might assist with reimagining thoughts and behaviours you experience as unhelpful. It is like herbal medicine - eating the whole plant may kill you, but a few drops, taken with understanding and care, may elevate your existing capacities to be your best, healthiest self.