Grow with Soul: Ep. 102 - Motivation & Focus Q&A
Hello and welcome to Episode 102 of Grow with Soul. Today is a Q&A episode, with a focus on motivation, focus, and how things work out. Some of the questions I'm answering are ones that we didn't quite get to in the 100th episode and they're slightly more personal ones, and there are some others which you submitted on Instagram, which are about being able to focus, and a lack of motivation. Let's dig in...What I talk about:
My thoughts and feelings on what I would change about the growth of my business now that I can look back on it
Telling the difference between lack of motivation and being in the right line of work
How life as a business owner now compares to my expectations when I started
How I have changed as a person as a result of my business journey
Dealing with magpie syndrome
Managing your motivation
Read the full episode transcript:
Hello and welcome to episode 102 of Grow With Soul. Today is a Q&A episode with a focus on motivation, focus and how things work out. Some of the questions here are ones that we didn’t get to in the 100th episode that are more personal, and others were ones you submitted on Instagram about being able to focus, and dealing with a lack of motivation. So, we’re covering things I wish I’d done differently, how to know if your lack of motivation means something more, how I’ve changed since starting the business, magpie syndrome, inspiration and more. Let’s dig in.
DO YOU EVER DREAM OF ESCAPING YOUR BUSINESS AND START OVER?
In the 100th episode, we talked about going back to the 9-5, or not, as the case very much is. But I did want to circle back to this idea of “escaping your business”, as it’s quite an evocative one I think. We start these businesses, and I definitely did, because we want an escape from the lives we’re in – whether that’s a stifling 9-5, or seeking self after motherhood, or wanting to reclaim purpose. As the “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” generation, the business is the escape, and, for sure, a lot of my work has been focused on creating a business you don’t want to escape from.
And yet, do I feel like giving it all up and starting again? All the time. Not in such a way that I have daydreams about the specifics, more that a feeling of “oh it’s too hard, I should just give up and do something else” will occasionally wash over me, and very, very rarely, I will open the emails from LinkedIn about jobs in my area. As I am about to turn 30, and am newly single, AND there’s a pandemic, I think there are very natural “is this where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing?” feelings. I definitely think about living in a van for a season and driving around the Mediterranean coast a lot!
But, ultimately, I read those job listings and within one minute it’s a definite “hell no, I could never”. That “I wish I could give up” feeling washes over me, but it’s gone in ten seconds. I definitely wouldn’t turn the clock back and start from scratch. So I don’t think it’s true that I dream of escaping the business, more that I dream of evolving it.
I am in an in-between place in so many facets of my life right now, and that extends to my work; I am in-between where I’ve been and where I’m going with it, but I don’t know exactly where it is going at the moment. Which is fine, I am not rushing any decisions because it’s more convenient to have a plan, but I do dream of the time that I will know. Somebody else asked, ‘If you had to start over and build a different business, what would you build?’ And the answer to that is that if I knew, I would be building it right now!
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WISH YOU’D DONE DIFFERENTLY?
I know I’m the one who talks about focusing on your ‘why’ and not your ‘what’, but in hindsight, I can see that early on I was very ‘what’ based and I wish I hadn’t been. I boxed myself into a ‘marketing’ corner because that was how I was growing, and it’s taken, and still is taking, me a long time to evolve myself out of that corner. This was just something that I found for myself that I really want and need the flexibility to do different things as my own interests change, and so feeling unable to do that because you’re ‘a marketing person’ was challenging.
I also wish I’d been less addicted to growth. I boxed myself into that corner in the first place precisely because it was how I was growing, and I cared about growth above everything else. I posted on Instagram every day for two years. I didn’t set any limits on my availability, because I wanted as much financial growth as possible. I essentially stopped having any interests or personality that wasn’t just growth, and, again, as discussed in the 100th episode, the subsequent burnout and recovery from that has been really challenging. I started out needing quite urgently to make money, and got stuck in that desperate growth mindset for too long, so I wish I’d been able to be more steady and have a healthier growth mindset.
HOW CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LACK OF MOTIVATION AND BEING IN THE WRONG LINE OF WORK?
Oof, ain’t this the question. Maybe this isn’t the answer you want to hear, but if you’re thinking like this, it’s probably because there is something fundamentally wrong with the work. When I asked for questions about motivation, most people were asking about it within the context of what they do – it doesn’t occur to them that their whole work isn’t right for them. I’m not saying it’s definitely the wrong line of work, but if you are doubting that, then there is something fundamentally not in alignment for you.
It might be the way in which the work is delivered (say, for example, that working on more passive income streams doesn’t work for you like facilitating workshops would), it might be that you’d prefer the work if it was in a employed, rather than self-employed, setting. Or, indeed, it might be that the focus is entirely off, and instead of designing websites, you really want to be talking about bravery.
I don’t know whether this person already has an idea in mind of what might be right for them, or whether they just have this uneasy feeling that this isn’t it. That’s a feeling I know well, and I therefore know that you can temporarily bamboozle yourself with a new direction or new idea that you get excited about for a few months, but that uneasiness always creeps back in. Once you know it, you can’t unknow it.
I also know that this can quickly become a cause for panic and a need to find the right thing, but trust me when I say that the way not to find the right direction is to try really hard to find it. Instead, sit in the acceptance and let it come to you. Treat what you’re currently doing as a day job that you’re eventually going to leave, while you experiment, and journal, and do some research, and look inside yourself ,and let the new direction show it’s face.
This can also help with your motivation for what you currently do too – once you accept that it’s not the right thing forever, you can crack on and do what needs to be done easier.
DID LIFE AS A BUSINESS OWNER TURN OUT AS GOOD AS YOU HOPED?
When I started the business, my hope was that maybe one day I’d get to a point where I could perhaps earn the equivalent of my old salary. That was the long term dream, and I just wanted to scrape enough to get by until I got there. We could probably have a whole conversation here about lack mindset, and just how much our society has brainwashed us to think a salary is the only kind of security. But I’ll park that for now and say that that was my only hope, and that I hadn’t had many expectations about “life as a business owner” other than not having to get up at 7am and being able to go do things during the day.
We always move the goalposts. When we get somewhere that we always wanted to be, we forget we always wanted to be there; we’re looking at everything we don’t already have. Which is why, when I read this question, my initial reaction was an internal lol, because by anyone’s standards, my life as a business owner is, to put it kindly, in limbo right now.
Certainly if the ultra-ambitious 17 year old me knew where I would be at 30, she’d have been aghast. However, when I look back to those initial goalposts when I set up the business, then yes, I have always earned more than my previous salary – sometimes not by much, but I always have! I also very much do not get up at 7am and I do now, although the acceptance that I was allowed to took a long time, go for walks and coffee dates during the working day. But there is also so much more than that, that I couldn’t have begun to comprehend.
I know myself and how I work and what I need so much better, I like myself a lot, and I’m so much better and kinder to myself than I was then. I am freer, more powerful, more accepting, less fearful. So, although everything is a bit of a mess right now, the honest answer has to be that life turned out so much better than I ever hoped.
HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED AS A PERSON SINCE YOU STARTED YOUR BUSINESS?
My first reaction to this is: in every conceivable way. I feel virtually unrecognisable, and when I think back to the me of four years ago, I struggle to relate to the thoughts and feelings, because she is just such a different person. I talk about her in the third person – she feels that different! Not that I have any dislike towards previous selves, on the contrary I have so much love and grace and empathy for them, they just feel like very different people – old skins, if you like.
Most of what this comes down to, for me, is that I spent most of my life so far suppressing who I really was in order to be the person I thought I wanted to be. Not consciously, because I didn’t know who I really was, but I was always so ambitious and focused on success that even when it felt out of alignment or uncomfortable or downright miserable I chalked it up to that just being “part of it”. I pursued a career where I didn’t actually want to do any of the work but I wanted the trappings of success of a job title and company car and whatever else.
Even in self-employment I pitched and chased things that I didn’t want to actually do, but I thought they’d make me look successful and validate me. I ignored many red flags in relationships because to do something about them would “going backwards”. I tried to make myself take up the sort of hobbies I thought I should like rather than what I actually wanted to spend my time on. Most of all, I was completely shut off from my body and my intuition. Seven years ago I’d have rolled my eyes at the word intuition, and my body was just an inconvenient thing that held my head up; and one that I had to keep looking thin.
Starting to cycle naturally has been a revelation in understanding my rhythms and drivers, and reconnect to my animal body in a way I never have. I have come to realise that I am a very embodied person. On video calls I have noticed that while most people are able to just sit still, I talk with my body – I express with my hands and shoulders and face, and at one point I was miming holding on to a mast. My knowledge about what is wrong and right for me lives in my body – my feelings live in my body. I know that in the difficult relationship I was in, my body has kept safe by suppressing some hormones and coping with a lot of cortisol on my behalf, and now, on the other side, we are both thriving and I am enjoying exercise for the first time in my life – not because I want my body to be thin, but because I am my body and my body is me. So coming into communion with all the knowledge and wisdom that lives in my body, rather than disregarding it for my overthinking mind, has been a very big change.
I’m no longer a perfectionist who wants control over every little thing; I am happy to do what I can, and leave the rest up to the universe. I am willing to sit back and wait, rather than push and strive – I might not be happy about it, but I understand that it’s important.
I feel almost completely fine without external measures of success now – I came across an old screenshot of where this podcast was in the Apple chart, and realised that it hadn’t occurred to me to even look at the charts for about two years now. I accept that how I like to spend my time may not be the most Instagrammable or conventionally interesting, but it is joyful to me, and that’s all that matters.
Even the way I dress is different – I previously would buy things that I thought the person I wanted to be would wear, and then there was a period where I stopped caring altogether and took some sort of superior pride in that. Now, I feel like my outsides look like my insides, and there is wholeness to that which feels easeful and comfortable. So in answer to your question, I’d say I feel more myself than I ever have – and know that there are depths still to be unravelled.
WHO, WHERE AND WHAT GIVES YOU THE MOST POSITIVE ENERGY AROUND YOUR WORK? I’M JUST INTERESTED IN WHAT REALLY LIGHTS YOU UP AND STOKES THE FIRES OF INSPIRATION.
This is the kind of question that makes me go blank and forget my own name. I suppose the truth is that I’m never much good at getting inspiration externally, at least not in a way that I’m conscious enough of and can say this idea here was inspired by that thing over there.
I have for sure been inspired by the work of people like Kate Northrup, who I’ve mentioned a few times on the podcast, but would I go to her Instagram or whatever if I needed some inspiration or positive energy? No. I have, in the past, cast around desperately for information when I’m in a block, reading other people’s stuff, listening to podcasts, looking at the structure and framework of other people’s businesses. But I never found what I was looking for- I always felt like there wasn’t anything that could scratch the itch I was feeling. I’ve never had a role model or someone that I would always look to in my life, so I suppose if I had to pick who I get positive energy from, it would be my friends.
If we’re talking about a place, then I definitely feel most myself, and most self-reliant, capable and positive, when I’m in the landscape – especially if I’m not a specific path, just ambling around and seeing what’s around each next corner. Occasionally I will get a fully formed download of an idea when I’m out – the idea for Pep Talks & Permission Slips came on a walk, and the actual words for one of the posts came on a walk. But those times, where work inspiration strikes when outside, are extremely rare and are usually when I’m feeling pretty inspired and in flow anyway so it’s more an extension of what I was working on when inside. Mostly when I’m out, I’m just out and not thinking about “getting inspired”.
And then if we’re thinking about a ‘what’, the first thing that comes to my mind is poetry. Poetry to me is the ultimate example of efficiency – to take a story or a feeling and pull away all the superfluous words to get to the rawest, most beautiful version of the truth. It takes a lot of skill, even in poems you “don’t get” you can still admire the craftsmanship – especially for someone like me, who always has just one more thing to say. I find that inspiring, not because I want to go and write poems, but just seeing what’s possible for people, seeing the craft. I will usually go through the Poetry is Not a Luxury Instagram account before bed, and read a couple of poems a couple of times.
What I think is important here is not what the things actually are, but the fact that there isn’t a work/life separation. These are all things that give me positive energy as a human and that therefore has an impact and trickle down effect on my work. It’s not that we can box off “this is for work and this is for me” – we’re the same person doing all the things, so feed the person and you do, in a roundabout way, feed the work.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CARVED/CARVE OUT ENOUGH TIME FOR IN-PERSON CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS? ARE THERE THINGS THAT HAVE WORKED WELL FOR THAT? SIGNS THAT THOSE LIMITS ON WORK HAVE SLIPPED TOO MUCH?
I would say that for me, time isn’t the problem with close relationships, because I’m basically always, or can be, free – I don’t have a stacked calendar of appointments, and most things I do can be moved to be done at a different time. It’s more a lack of opportunity in my case, and probably, to be honest, a lack of bravery. There are only 7 or 8 people I speak to regularly, in a non-work context, in my life. Of those people, only two live within a 100 mile radius of me. So there is not a ton of opportunity for in-person relationships, particularly in a pandemic.
This may be part of being an only child, it is also likely an introvert thing, but making and maintaining friendships and connections isn’t something that comes easily to me – and when you’re in a long term relationship, as I was for the majority of my twenties, it tends to not be a priority. While I have made friends as an adult, it is so tricky to navigate, and honestly, I have always found it easier to retreat into myself rather than make the effort to start a new friendship – it’s generally the organisation and persistence of the other person that makes it stick! Not because I don’t want to be friends, I sort of don’t know how. So that’s the lack of bravery. As I mentioned in the 100th episode, it’s tricky to know my value outside of a work context, so I tend to lean on that heavily in new relationships as a topic of conversation and a way I can be of use to someone.
But to go back to the original question, carving out the time isn’t the issue, nor do I get to a point where I realise I’ve been working solid and ignoring texts or coffee dates or anything. It’s usually more that everyone else in my life has more of a life than me!
WHAT ARE YOUR STRATEGIES FOR STAYING MOTIVATED WHEN YOU’RE FINDING THINGS HARD?
Strip it back to the bare bones of what needs to be done and only do those must-do things. Don’t let it be a slog, do a couple of things and let that be a success. If it’s a really bad day, say you’re just going to do one thing for half an hour, and you will feel much better for having done it. Make time to reconnect to your reason for doing all of this, to feel more happy in yourself – this will make things feel less hard and help you feel motivated again.
TIPS FOR STAYING FOCUSED ON ONE THING WHEN YOU HAVE MAGPIE SYNDROME REAL BAD
There are two types of magpie syndrome – big picture, and day to day. So, in the first type this is where you change your big plans and direction regularly, while in the second, it’s more about task-switching and distraction as you’re going about your day. You might just have either one of these, or you might be really lucky like me and have both.
Let’s look first at big picture magpie syndrome. For me, this shows up as wanting to always be developing new ideas rather than following through on them or any old ideas and projects, and this is because that’s the bit I find the most fun and am best at.
In order to help me follow through on ideas, I will often make them public, either by simply talking about them or doing a pre-order, in order to get accountability, so I can’t just stop doing them when I want to start a shiny new thing. I also have a new idea quarantine, where I let it just sit in my head for a few weeks before I do anything towards it – often, it will just fade away, whereas if it stays, I know that it’s worth pursuing.
I also remind myself that this is a business that I want to sustain me for decades, and therefore I do not need to do everything now. I need to be playing the long game, to hold things back for years to come. Zooming way out can help to get some perspective about that shiny new thing you just HAVE TO do right now.
Now – the day to day. Very ironically, halfway through writing this podcast I stopped to find an article about task-switching to send to my friend after we’d had a conversation about it – you have probably heard about the research that it takes our brains 23 minutes to reset after switching tasks, and there I was, switching tasks! But ultimately this is what we want to avoid. I find the best way for me is to schedule in a lot of white space into my days and have very short daily lists so that I can always have the end in sight – it’s easier to flit between tasks when you have an overwhelming list you know you’re never going to finish, so you’ll do a little bit of everything. It’s boring, but having your phone not just out of reach but preferably in another post code is a game changer – when I do this, I notice how often I reach for it when it’s not there as I’m looking for a shiny new distraction.
And finally, having a process to funnel off and contain those thoughts – if I have a new idea or something occurs to me to do something else, I have a place where they get written down and a day of the week to deal with them, rather than doing them there and then.
LINKED TO THIS QUESTION WAS ALSO THIS ONE: I TEND TO WANT TO DO A MILLION THINGS WHICH COMES FROM A PLACE OF NOT FEELING ENOUGH – HOW CAN I FEEL LIKE STICKING TO ONE THING IS ENOUGH?
I totally empathise with this. Ultimately the goal is to get to a place where your ‘enoughness’ isn’t based within your productivity, but within yourself, which is a long process of unravelling and revealing and understanding yourself. But a part of that can be in trusting yourself to make small changes and follow through. If you can stop doing a million things, and do five things really well, how might that change your view of yourself? This is where I come to craft, and to mastery; to depth rather than breadth. This might be a way in. Rather than needing to do a breadth of things to feel enough and valuable, what if you went deeper into a few things? Taking the same energy, but using it to focus in and increase the depth of your work in a few areas.
HOW DO I STAY MOTIVATED IN THE LONG RUN? I FIND IT HARD TO HAVE LONG TERM MOTIVATION
This to me sounds like something is a little off with your long term vision, or maybe you don’t have one. As much as I like to focus on finding fulfilment in the day to day and not pinning it on some far off ‘There’ or ‘some day’, we do also need a long term vision to keep momentum. I also know that sometimes these can be demotivating if it feels like you’ll never ever get there. But that’s the thing – when your long term vision is right, you keep going even though it feels like you’ll never get there because it is more important to you that you do. This is what we have to do, find the thing that is more important than all the fears, doubts, demotivation.
For me, this is a life of freedom and spaciousness where I am beholden to no one, have no pressures on my time and can follow my curiosity. Do I know how I’m going to get there? No! Does it sometimes feel so wildly impossible? All the time! Is it more important to me than anything else? Yes! So that’s why I continue to go to work every day and continue to think to the future and continue to plan because the idea of creating that life is better than anything.
So, take some time with yourself, think about how you want to feel. Don’t think about what you want to have or what your future vision will look like, think about how you want to feel. And when you get to something that feels wildly impossible but the most enticing thing you’ve ever heard of, that’s when you’ve got it.
WHEN YOU FOLLOW YOUR MOTIVATION DOWN A RABBIT HOLE AND GET HYPER FOCUSED ON A SPECIFIC THING FOR DAYS, HOW DO YOU MUSTER YOUR MOTIVATION TO PULL YOURSELF BACK TO WHAT ELSE NEEDS TO BE DONE?
I wanted to answer this question because I think it speaks to something bigger and broader. Personally, I can’t relate to this scenario because it’s not really something I do – I get bored quickly so tend to work in shorter sprints rather than on one thing for days on end. I have tried in the past to do long, multiple day sessions on one project, but I lose focus and the will to live.
I don’t want to put words in this person’s mouth, but from the tone of the question, and the fact that they’re asking it, suggests that they might be viewing this scenario as a problem they need to fix. It’s easy to get frustrated with certain ways we work and think they’re wrong, or at least not ideal, and want to fix them. But the way you work is the way you work – I need to work in sprints, this person needs to work in rabbit holes, and there’s not much either of us can do to change that.
So instead of looking for solutions to a perceived problem, a much more efficient and successful approach is to accept and embrace your way of working, and then seeing what you need to put in place in order to maximise the positives it brings, and also get done what you need to.
For me, that means that my days and weeks are built around sprints and variety. I usually theme my days, so on Monday I might be getting all my admin done, on Tuesday I’ll be doing writing, on Wednesday I’ll be working with clients etc etc. If I have a big project I’m working on to a deadline, like a new course or product, I know that I won’t be able to get the whole thing done in a super focused couple of days, so in my project planning I make sure it’s spaced out between other things.
This question asker has the opposite problem. So perhaps part of her process needs to be blocking in some rest and recovery time after she comes out of the rabbit holes rather than dragging herself to do the other things. Maybe she needs a regular day to do recurring tasks and admin before descending into a rabbit hole. Maybe she can find a way to incorporate some of “what needs to be done” in the rabbit hole – say for example it’s a rabbit hole where you’re writing a new product, maybe you can include some caption writing within that.
However you find motivation affects you, just try to see it for what it is rather than wish it was something else. Don’t expect to be feeling optimally motivated all the time because no one can be; yes, there are times when we’d really rather be motivated than not, but we’re on a hiding to nothing if we work against ourselves rather than with. Look for the positives in how you work, see how you can make the absolute best of it, and then build some safety nets for whatever falls through the cracks.
